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Bounded in a nutshell. [Aug. 13th, 2012|01:58 am]
[Current Mood |sadsad]

I'm beyond you.  I'm not beyond myself, though.
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Lashing Out [Feb. 12th, 2012|10:36 pm]
[Current Mood |colddiscomfiture]

Little things:

* Rob is complaining about the car CD music at the beginning of our 2-hour round trip to Lansing. 

* Mom is once again telling me something transcription-y that I already know how to do.

* Rob, not realizing that when I asked him to put the towels in the dryer, I meant "now, please" rather than "whenever you feel like it."

* Mom, gently chastising me for being late again for work because she's concerned that I'll get into the same trouble for it that she did.

Now, with anyone else, I nod meekly, maybe do some apologizing of my own, smile, see their side, and we go about our day.

These two people in my life, whom I love more than anything - my two best friends?

I snap.

No warning.  I just snap, or, realizing that snapping is an inappropriate response (but being unable to respond in any nonaggressive way), deliver the seething silent treatment.

And I can watch myself do this, and think, "WTF, self?  Why are you being an ass?  This will help nothing."  But I can't seem to break out of the voyeur mode.  I watch until the snap-moment takes its sweet time to pass.

Feeble conclusion: I am stressed and too afraid to spread it around among other family, friends, and acquaintances; ergo, when it emerges, it is concentrated on two unwitting targets instead of 20 or 200.

I still feel like a jerk.

Actually, no, that's not a sufficient term.  I feel like Him.  Because this is the sort of thing that he would do.  Total overreaction, unwarranted abuse, nonhelpful in the extreme.  And THAT bothers me extra.
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Not sad. [Feb. 4th, 2012|02:11 am]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |"Umbrella" - Rihanna]

1:52am, alone in the darkness.  Posting to LiveJournal.  This is the time when you would expect me to be sad.

Not, though. 

Unaccountably, really. =)  If any week calls for it... well, fine, not any week (I've had worse), but still! -- Rob was arrested and jailed for a few hours with a BENCH WARRANT that we never heard about over a stupid outstanding parking ticket ($25) on Monday, the broken brake lights that he was pulled over for turned out to be a $400 electrical fix versus something simple, his car needs another $600 in repairs to be not-dangerous to drive, I got horribly ill on Wednesday and missed work, and the landlord is jacking up the rent and none of our roommates are 100% that they'll be able to stay (in fact, 2 of the 3 definitely won't be sticking around).

Days pass and it continues to be borne in on me just how much of a fool I was in falling for The Slimebag and how much of a twit I've been around people that I'd like to have respect me.

Fingers and hands and arms hurting from typing again, too.  And I've gained weight.  I'm officially heavier than I've ever been in my life, and more out of shape, and more in debt.

Yet I'm not sad.

Best guess is that this is a manic phase.  Some distant part of my brain is irritated at the thought... not so much that I'm manic, but that manic-ness has to be my first and best guess whenever I exhibit traits that might otherwise be mistaken for courage, self-reliance, strength of character.  Bweh.

And still not sad. =)  Smiling.  I can't stop seeing the positives alongside all the crap.  I'm married to a man that I love.  While I'm not beautiful, I could be a lot uglier.  Although my job is painful and tedious, it could be much worse, and it pays enough to allow us to at least pretend to have enough money to get Rob through teacher college, and it paid for all of his badly-needed medical foo that we crammed into last year.  They're jacking up the rent, but if we can find roommates, it's still cheaper and nicer and more convenient to live here than anywhere else we've seen.

If this lasts, though... I wonder.  Besides mind-numbing depression, is rock-hard optimism another survival response?

I rediscovered the library, too, and I've found that I like Xbox games.  Maybe it's the recreational therapy that helps.

Oh, and did I mention that Dad has recovered enough that he's re-learning how to drive?

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Perplexing [Dec. 16th, 2011|01:56 pm]
[Current Mood |confusedGwrh?]
[Current Music |"In the Waiting Line" - Zero 7]

Oh, Johari/Nohari, how you... either are fun or disappointing or baffle me.
Generally speaking, this time around, it was fun.  But I did get a result or two that made me go, “Whuh?”, and not in the constructive way.  More the chase-my-mind-around-in-loops way.
The consensus seems to be that I come across as a caring, inward-looking, sometimes-melancholy and sometimes-cheery individual: nice enough, but too passive a participant in my own life and a bit chaotic in the head.  None of this is really news to me, although it’s neat to see what others agree with me about and how some have a completely contradictory view of me (happy/unhappy, relaxed/nervous, wise/foolish) based on the variations of Me that I expose them to.
A couple of adjectives jumped up and bit my mind’s ass, though: “inane” and “unimaginative.”
I do have theories.  Mollifying theories.  Johari/Nohari doesn’t offer clarification of its adjectives, so these could have benign meanings.  “Inane” could mean “silly” - something that I won’t dispute, given how hard I try to cultivate silliness as a social lubricant.  “Unimaginative” could refer to my non-agnostic atheism, and I have at least 2 friends that might have meant it in this context.
On the other hand.
“Inane” could mean vacuous, stupid, and insubstantial.  Pair it with the more standard meaning of “unimaginative,” and you have a searing indictment against a wannabe-writer’s ability to write.  If these are from RP-friends of mine, and this is what they thought of my writing...?  Of my character ideas and plots?
I know that it wasn’t the dominant opinion by any means.  Still, they stuck with me.
Overall, I suppose the lesson that I can take away is that Johari/Nohari does have its fundamental flaws.  It’s not a big deal when you’re asking for “good” adjectives, but when you get into criticisms, the lack of clarification becomes important.  This round of J/N was an interesting experiment, but I don’t think I’ll ask folks to do this for me again.
Also, if you’re the one who said “inane” or “unimaginative,” please don’t step forward to clarify things. =)  I said it would be anonymous and I meant it.  Just sharing thoughts in a journal post.
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Action, Inaction. [Dec. 13th, 2011|01:49 am]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |"Vivaldi's Rain" - Chloe Agnew]

I want to tell myself that doing something is better than doing nothing at all, but I have so many examples of why that's not always true.
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Needs to be trademarked: [Nov. 11th, 2011|12:31 pm]
"Cockle Warmers"
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Subconscious [Nov. 11th, 2011|11:56 am]
[Current Mood |uncomfortableweirded out]
[Current Music |"Palladio" - Karl Jenkins]

'Tis the day to post about dreams, apparently.

While at an RL wedding for two people from Crossroads, a collection basket is being passed around (a la church?) for the happy couple. I accidentally put in a $20 and it gets taken away from me before I can switch the $20 for the $3 dollar bill that I had intended.

When I seek a way to get the basket back, it comes back to me full of $50s and $100s from Crossroads people, and is borne to me by condescendingly smiling individuals who tell me that the bride and groom would like to donate all of this to me because everyone knows how pathetic I am and they want to help.

This is a change from the usual dreams of insecurity. Weird change, too. I haven't even logged on to that place in weeks/months.
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NaNoWriMo [Oct. 14th, 2011|03:05 pm]
Gonna try it this year, I think. I REALLY miss writing, but I remain phobic about RP, and I don't want to have to worry about going beyond 1st draft quality (too easy to start beating up on myself, but that eliminates most writing projects beyond straight-up journaling and improv-like-by-nature RP).
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Writer's Block: Anti-bullying month [Oct. 3rd, 2011|02:45 pm]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |"The Promise" - Michael Nyman]

Who is the biggest bully in your life? One response chosen at random will win an Amazon Kindle. [contest details] (sponsored by )

I think that I've finally managed to rid my life of the influence of bullies. However, up until very recently, I was still hurting from the relationship that I had with the worst bully I've ever met.

I never met him in person; I only knew him over the Internet. Because of this, he couldn't bully me physically. He had to use other methods: he had to get me to give him control over my emotions.

He made me promise early on to care a lot about him, always, no matter what. I was determined to keep that promise for as long as I could - even when he threatened me, when he intentionally made me feel worse about myself than I've ever felt before, when he stopped speaking to me, when it became crystal clear that he never cared about me at all. Why? I thought that a person caring about him no matter what he did would help him to be a better person.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who don't deserve a second, third, or two-thousandth chance, and this guy was one of them. He couldn't be better. He never will. And as long as I still cared about him, he could still bully me - even though he wasn't there any more.

It's funny - people kept telling me not to obsess over him so that he couldn't hurt me any more. I think that they were missing the mark, though. It wasn't about obsessing over him or not. Not quite. It was about obsessing _while caring_.

Once you stop giving them love (even friendship-love), what they've done stops hurting. THEN it doesn't seem necessary to think about them any more.
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Anti-practice [Aug. 8th, 2011|12:25 pm]
[Current Mood |gloomygloomy]
[Current Music |"Cristofori's Dream" - David Lanz]

In trying to isolate the source of my discomfort re: Crossroads so that I can squish it like a bug and move on, I realized that I took a similar view of my piano lessons, especially a few years in.

I never liked practicing, but I put up with it initially because everyone said it would make me a great musician. Then, I flat-out stopped practicing after about 3 or 4 years of lessons. My thinking was that no one really wanted to hear me stumbling along on the keys. Granted, the adults find it cute/prodigious when you're a tiny beginner, but that only lasts for so long before they develop expectations.

After all, people listen to music so that they can hear GOOD music. You don't turn on your radio to hear some yutz do his scales or go flat. If I'm not going to do it right, then, what's the point? I'm just imposing imperfection on others. And on myself, too, since I don't want to hear my mistakes either.

Samewhich on Crossroads, I think. Unfortunately, I don't see how this insight helps me beyond telling me what I've heard before and failed to accomplish before: to suck it up and do it anyway.
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